The Physics of Baptism

I stand six feet four inches and weigh over two hundred pounds but felt physically insignificant standing next to David.  He weighed north of four hundred pounds and was one of my first baptisms in my first Church—almost three decades ago.  When we both stood in the baptismal we displaced a goodly amount of water.

The choir seemed a little nervous as two behemoths stepped into the water behind them, for the only thing between them and a Biblical flood was an eight inch tall pane of glass.

I faced the congregation and David faced towards my left.  I told him that he would have to bend his knees and help me get himself back up after he was fully immersed.  He nodded and licked his dry lips like he was nervous.

As it turns out, there was good reason for both of us to be nervous.

I was wearing fishing waders underneath my snow white Baptismal robe.  David was dressed in a blue shirt and ‘overhauls’—4XL.  He folded his hands together at the surface of the water, ready to clasp his nose as I tipped him back for a full dunking.  I put my right hand in the middle of his back, between his shoulder blades and raised my left hand, palm facing out toward the congregation, and began to recite the familiar incantation:

“David, upon your profession of faith and in obedience to the commands of our Lord and Savior, I now baptize my brother in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.”

His hands went to his face and clinched his nose as water ran down his elbows.  He bent his knees and began to lean back.  I spread my feet and prepared for his weight in my strong right hand.  But it wasn’t strong enough even with the help of the buoyancy of water.  When he passed some sort of geometric tipping point, he went down into the water like a sack of stones.  There was nothing I could do but get out of his way.

As he went under, fear set in and David’s hands left his face and he began flailing for something to grab and save himself from going to the bottom.  Not once or twice but at least three times he groped and grabbed at me, the curtains—anything—while his bare feet were trying to get purchase on the slick concrete floor.

The choir heads had turned with furrowed brows of concern hearing the thrashing just feet away.  (One later said to me that he couldn’t tell if I was trying to help or kill him.)  Their eyes got large as offering plates when David’s hammock of a hand landed on and gripped tightly the only thing that stood between them and Noah’s flood.  He had grabbed the glass with his right hand and my robe with his left and was trying to right himself, spitting and spewing water out of flared nostrils like surfacing beluga whale.

I went low and dead-lifted with all my might so as to take pressure off the glass and thus save the lives of men and women in the choir that tithed regularly.  Somehow, someway with the strength of Samson I lifted David and saved the flood.

As he stood and wiped the water from his eyes, tsunami waves slapping one end of the tank to the other, I heard the choir release a collective sigh and someone muttered, I think it was Otis Whittington— “That was as close to dying in Church service as I have ever come.”

David climbed out with effort.  He was winded.  I was too.

After we dried off he confided in me that the reason he wanted to baptized in our Church was because he thought I was the only preacher in the county who was large enough and strong enough to handle him.

Then he said something that I have never forgotten and is layered with meaning, “Pastor, everything was going great until you let me down.”

It happens.


5 thoughts on “The Physics of Baptism

  1. So many funny memories during your time at Hilltiop. It seems like a lifetime ago. I guess it was. You have been gone for over 25 years. Where has the time gone? Love reading all of your posts.

  2. I remember that day well. I just knew you were going to get soaked, which you did, but boy what a witness. As far as the last part, I choose to remember all the times that you were there.

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